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March 13th, 2007
09:33 am - blah
things these days are blah, not much to do out here in the middle of nowhere, but eventually i will leave this all behind for norcal, but i will never lose my socal blood, i plan on going up there sporting all my socal gear, i wont forget where i come from lol and neither will anyone else, the fun of all this is that im still single, im adjusting to the life, not really sure how it works, but its to the point that i dont even notice when im being hit on by girls, im girl crazy and i dont even notice them any more how sad is that, she ruined me for other women, pride is coming up, im not sure if im gonna go, im too afraid to see her, it might set me back to where i started and G-d knows how hard that was on me, i have gotten myself to the point where i am numb as long as i dont talk to her, and keep pretending that she doesnt exsist, its sad, but its what i need to get through life these days, so here i am, with nothing, and nothing to lose.... life throws stupid shite at me way too fucking much
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March 7th, 2007
01:46 pm - anxiety
i cant stand this feeling she leaves in my chest, or this bad taste she leaves in my mouth, G-d help me get through this in one piece, im not sure i should even talk to her, she doesnt want to talk to me, she doesnt even want to see me, and she is the one who said she wanted to be friends, and that she cared and that she would check in on me, yea.... broken promises are all to familiar to me
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February 26th, 2007
07:54 am - so
its been a month since my last post, nothing new, same old same old, get up think of her, get dressed think of her, go through my day, think of her, get ready for bed think of her, go to sleep dream of her, i will never get over her, i have accepted my fate, there is nothing i can do except live with it, i cant change that i love her, and her alone, my fate is to be alone untill she comes back, and if she never does, then alone i will be, i have decided to start T so wish me luck, I started school for medical billing and coding, trying to give myself a better life, so thats about it,
Knoah
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January 19th, 2007
02:15 am - its been tooooo long
its been 7 months and i still feel exactly the same, i dont think this is ever going to pass, i think my heart is permanantly broken, i havnt been single for longer then 3 months, and most of them were week waits but i havnt going longer since i started dating..she was the one, and i was lucky enough to find her, and stupid enough to lose her, everyone knows im girl crazy, but i cant even look at another girl in anyother way then a passing person, im doomed to die alone
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November 11th, 2006
01:25 pm - hmph
im tired of the same o same o nothing worth anything cant sleep more then 4 hours at a time, cant breathe, cant eat, cant think, cant get outa bed, cant get on the move, cant function without you, its been 3 months, why am i not getting any better?
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November 5th, 2006
06:33 pm
why does everything have to come in huge rain falls of pain and suffering and confusing, im so tired of all this shite, when is it my turn to be happy again?
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October 7th, 2006
05:13 pm - everything
everything these days seems to set me off, my fuse is so short i cant even see it, im trying to find peace, but even sleep cant bring that to me, my dreams are haunted by the words she used to say, the looks she used to give, no matter how hard I try she wont leave my sleep alone, im trying so hard to let it all go, i paint i draw, i wright, but evertything comes back to the starting point, everything involves her, i know its only been 2 months, but it seems like a life time, i just want her to come back, even if it would turn my world upside down, i just want it to go back, to the smile to the laughs to everything that made my life so perfect, but i have to accept that she is never coming home, and that in itself is enough to kill me
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October 4th, 2006
02:37 am - silence
I never thought silence could hurt so much, i never thought a girl could effect me so much, hell they were nothing but girls to me, but this one stole my soul, i fear i will never truly be whole again, but im sure time will heal all my hurt, but time has a way of taking its sweet ass time, im not sure what to expect any more, they say never expect any thing then you will never be let down, so i guess this is best for now, but god damn it all i miss her, i have cried, i have screamed, i have cursed, i have prayed till my head felt like it was going to explode, i have wished on everything u can wish on, but nothing has changed, except me, and im not sure if its for the best, i can only hope it is, there are a lot of thing changing in my life, i can only hope this is the right path, my heart is so tired of being broken, my body is so tired of hurting and my brain is trying to stop thinking, but it still keeps going, i try to count my blessings and im thankful for everyone, but in this pain im going through nothing seems to be enough, i want more, but more of what, that i am uncertian, i know life has something in store for me, but this pain is making the trip hard on me, i sometimes wish i could go back to when i could make it on my own, when nothing mattered except for playing outside after school, when life was simple, but even then i find no comfort, something big is gonna happen, im just impatient and so stubborn i cant see straight, i wish i knew what was gonna happen, i wish the dreams where all i can see is her face would stop, i wish i could fall out of love, but i cant, i guess this is where im supposed to be, i guess there is something im supposed to be learning, i wish the lessons were less painful, usually i thrive off of pain, but even for me this is too much to bare, and all i think is GOD I WANT HER BACK, and i know i would do things different, but i know i dont want her to be with me just to shut me up, i want something real, but something that doesnt hurt, but as the great Catness says, Love and Pain, they are together, and they work, and u really cant have one without the other, and you cant stay away from love for fear of the pain, i guess i will just have to wait and see
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September 21st, 2006
11:05 pm - hahaha
its my world hahahaha, and ima take over the world, any one wanna jump on the bus with me and keep me company? HMMMM!?
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September 15th, 2006
11:10 pm - Road Trip
went on a road trip, it was fun, no details needed, just the road trip, im doing my best to come to terms with being content with my life and where it is and where its going, and being alone, i cant say i have funny accepted it, but im working on it one moment at a time, i just wish it was a little easyer, i wish i knew what i was doing, i wish i had even the slightest idea of what exactly i was supposed to be doing, but i havnt a clue... my stubborness is getting the best of be, in both good and bad ways, good im not running to her and begging her for anything, the bad, im not accepting that there is nothing i can do about it, im not letting it go, i guess i really just dont know how to let it go.. oi help lol
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September 11th, 2006
02:21 am - so
I want my life back, i want to be me again, only problem is, i cant remeber who ME is any more
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September 4th, 2006
02:58 am - why
why wont this pain go away, why cant i et her go, every one says thats what i need to do, and G-d knows i have tried, but i cant do it, i cant stop it, i just want to be me again, and im afraid the me that i used to be has died and cannot be saved.... they say time heals everything, but wow is it taking its sweet time
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August 11th, 2006
11:33 am - i quit
why does this shite happen to me, i QUIT!
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August 5th, 2006
10:07 am - help
Save me from myself
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August 2nd, 2006
08:29 pm
let my days pass with no knowledge of the up coming nights, the lonley moments standing in the shower seem like hours, and i wonder what tomorrow is going to have in store for me, and before i know it, my feet are off and running, dragging my lagging mind behind them, and by the time i manage to catch up, my face has changed, and when i stop running will i still be the same person, was i ever the person i am now, i wonder if its time to stop being and start living, the question, what is living
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June 30th, 2006
12:18 pm
5 YEARS AG0.....
How old were you?: 17
What grade were you in? i had just dropped out
Where did you go to school?: lots of places
Where did you work?: a vet office
Where did you live?: my parents
Where did you hang out?: oakland
How was your hair style?: fag flip
Did you have braces?: nope
Did you wear glasses?: yup
Who were your best friends?: megan
Who was your celebrity crush?: Milla Jovovich
Who was your regular-person crush?: um.. im not sure, i think i was inbetween girls
How many tattoos did you have?: 1
How many piercings did you have?: 4
What car did you drive?: 1994 ford ranger
What was your favourite band/group: Ani/U2
What was your worst fear?: being alone
Had you smoked a cigarette?: Nope
Had you gotten drunk or high yet?: Nope
Had you driven yet?: just started
Had you been to a real party yet?: i was the party haha, but yea
Had your heart broken?: yup
June 30, 2006
How old are you?: 22
What grade are you in?: none yet
Where do you go to school?: none yet
Where do you work?: With the Pam lady
Where do you live: With Cole and Pam, and Lori, and then sometimes with my parents, and then sometimes with my Lady, its a big ol custody battle
Where do you hang out?: in SoCal and Az
How is your hair style?: MoHawk
Do you have braces?: Nope
Do you wear glasses?: Yep
Who are your best friends?: Lori, Cole, Pam, Jamie
Still talk to any of your old friends: eh
Who is your celebrity crush?: Milla Jovovich
Who is your regular-person crush?: my Lady Jamie
How many piercings do you have?: 4
How many tattoos?: 2
What kind of car do you have?: 1994 Ford Ranger
What is your favourite band/group?: U2 and Depeche mode
What is your biggest fear?: dying alone
Have you gotten drunk or high?: Yep
Have you been to a real party?: i am the real party
Has your heart been broken?: Oh yea!
What do you think of the person who posted this before you?: he has good hair haha
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June 23rd, 2006
07:49 pm - cuz i am
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June 21st, 2006
02:50 pm - shoot me
im getting to the point where i dont even want to get out of bed in the morning, no matter how much i try to make good things happen, only bad seems to go my way, i cant get the help i need when i need it, i cant do the things i need to do with out it, there is just so manything in my life that seem to keep holding me down, i feel as though i have been chained to the floor at my arms and legs and now the bugs are trying to eat me before i have even died.. im to the point im just ready to give up and let them... i just i just dont see the point any more, all bad no good, so seriously, whats the point
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May 18th, 2006
10:27 pm - they did it so i will too
Prologue:
1 Where did you take your default pic?
in my exs house
2 What exactly are you wearing right now?
boxe briefs and a white undershirt and a pullover collerd short sleeve shirt cuz i have finished getting ready for bed
3 What is your current problem?
i cant get my back fixed
4 What makes you most happy?
My Mom and Jamie
5 If you could go back in time and change something would you?
i would have admited that it hurt behind me knees
6 Name something obvious about you:
im a dor
7 What's the name of the song that you're listening to?
um the sound of my fan spinnin on high
8 Any celeb you would marry?
nope i like my non famous girl
9 Name someone with the same birthday as you?
my step mom
10 Do you have a crush on someone?
sure do
11 Ever sang in front of a large audience?
sadly yes
12 What do you usually order from Starbucks?
i dont like
13 Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
yes and i will only say one cuz he is a boy and i love him Rob Thomas
14 Do you still watch kiddy movies or kiddie TV shows?
lilo and stich heehee
15 Do you speak any other languages?
does pig latin count, and i know a few words in a couple languages
16 What magazines do you read?
mens health and penthous
17 Have you ever ridden in a limo?
once
18 Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
my grandma
19 Do you ever watch MTV?
no
20 What's something that really annoys you?
people who have their heads in their butts
Chapter 1:
Middle name:
Knoah
Nickname(s):
RaRa, Brat, Kid, Kiddie, Kiddo, Kidness,Kermy,Zapho, Squishy,Ranch uh thats all i can think of right now
Current location:
parents house, Phelan Ca
Eye color:
green, grey
Chapter 2:
Do you live with your parents:
sometimes
Do you get along with your parents:
my mom
Are your parents married/separated/divorced:
well um im adopted so my bio parents are divorced and my adopted are married
Do you have any siblings:
5 brothers and 3sisters
Chapter 3: Favorites
Ice cream flavor:
i dont eat ice cream i eat popcicles
Season:
winter and Fall
Shampoo/conditioner:
what ever i can find
Chapter 4: Do You
Sing in the shower:
when im alone yes
Write on your hand?
when i cant find anything else
Call people back:
as soon as i can
Believe in love:
sometimes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed:
my side when she doesnt decied that the whole bed is hers
Have any bad habits:
hahaha every thing i do is a bad habit
Chaper 5: Who/What was the last
Person to text you?
Jamie
What did it say:
im home eating and getting ready for work call you soon
Person to call you?
Angela
Person you hugged:
my mom
Person you tackled?:
i cant tackle anyone
Thing you touched:
goood my keyboard
Thing you ate:
something mexican
Thing you drank:
mountian Dew
Thing you said:
ok, bye
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03:06 pm - gr
im to the point where i say fuck it, i finally get my stupid referal to go have my back looked at (wich took them 3 weeks to get the refereal, and 3 months to get them to even get me a referal to see a surgeon) and no i have to wait another 2 months to get in to see the dr. so if they cant get things faster then im just gong back to Az and say fuck it, then when i ruin my back they will have no other choice but to help me and i not wait 3 months, this is CRAP!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ford/sydnicons/Angry.gif) angry
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